Can Our Marriage Recover From an Affair?

survive affairWhen an affair occurs, conversations can be explosive and turn into blaming sessions. How can a couple survive and move forward from this crisis?

Couples can certainly recover and positively transform their relationship after an affair. Initially, the hurt partner may have a period that is very emotional. During that period, conversations tend to center on the anger and pain that comes from the betrayal. It is also common for the hurt partner to seek details about the affair. These conversations are usually detrimental and lead to further hurt.

Consider doing couple therapy to assist you with exploring both spouses' perspectives and needs. It will assist in rebuilding safety and allow for honest and respectful conversations to occur.

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The Benefits of Being Positive
Did you know that your outlook on life and your attitude toward yourself, whether you’re optimistic or pessimistic, has an effect on your health and well-being? Studies have shown that the positive thinking that comes with optimism is a key part of stress management. Positive thinking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re always wearing rose-coloured glasses and oblivious to negative things that are happening around you. Positive thinking simply means your response to unpleasant situations is driven more toward productively managing rather than throwing up your hands in defeat.
Couples Counselling and Healthy Relationships
What if your greatest relationship problem was not communication but a lack of commitment to maintain love and safety? 
Here are some tips on how to maintain safety in communication. 

1. Manage your emotions.  We all know how important it is to manage our emotions at work and in public.  However, many of us believe that we can let it rip once we cross our front door. This mindset often results in a "no holding back attitude". 
Imagine being in a conversation with your boss and using some of the communication strategies you use with your spouse (retaliation, put down, swearing, intimidation, saying mean things, rolling your eyes, exploding, and retreating for days). Likely, this would get you fired. Yet we justify using these very strategies with those we say we cherish.  If honesty and openness are crucial in a relationship, they are not a passport to be hurtful.

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Why You Should Conduct a Fourth Quarter Goal Review
Here we are, it is the final stretch.  It is the last quarter of the year, and your last opportunity to refocus and regroup to achieve the personal and professional goals you had set out for yourself last January. 

You might say it is an end and a beginning at the same time. September is a pivotal point in the calendar. It marks the beginning of an academic year, launching point after summer’s rest, change in the season, new beginnings, start of activities for kids, final quarter for businesses and the list goes on. This is what makes September a crucial time for people when it comes to reviewing and re-establishing their personal and professional goals

When you review your goals, why not ask yourself these questions: 

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Forgiveness is Not All its Cut Out to Be
Many people believe that in order to heal they need to forgive. This is not necessarily the case. Not everything can be fixed and forgiven. There is a current idea that forgiveness is some kind of healing balm for the person who forgives.

Even when the offending party acknowledges their transgression, it may still not feel right to forgive. The hurt may just be too deep. However, the opposite of forgiveness - holding a grudge - may not be the solution either. Holding a grudge is like "swallowing poison and hoping the other person will die". Resentment and holding a grudge is your poison and will only torment you and nobody else.


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How to Prepare for College or University
prepare for collegeWhether you are considering a new career or are a high school student in your last semester, anxiety usually runs high when it comes to choosing a college or university program. Here are a few tips that will help you prepare:


Choose Your Path
Selecting a program can be complex considering the abundance of choices we have. Deciding on a career path takes some reflection.   Take the time to assess your interests, your aptitudes and your level of commitment to your future. You might want to think about the lifestyle you want once you graduate. What kind of working schedule and income will you expect once you graduate? Do some research about the job market and explore if your expectations are aligned with reality.   

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How Shame Impacts Relationships
Shame is often confused with guilt, an emotion you might experience if you feel remorseful as a result of a wrongdoing and which may lead to making amends. Where you may have an urge to admit guilt and talk with others about a situation that left you feeling guilty, it is less likely that you will broadcast your shame. It is more likely that you will conceal your shame as it means revealing that you are feeling negatively about yourself. Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done while shame is about feeling bad about yourself.

Self esteem and intimacy can be dramatically impacted by shame. When we feel shame we are plagued by self doubt and a sense of inadequacy. Shame involves the feeling of being "exposed" or viewed in a diminished sense. People experiencing deep shame are unable to feel whole, complete, or sufficient as they are. When this is the case, developing deep and lasting relationships becomes difficult if not impossible.

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Empowering Relationships
relationshipThe human potential movement has empowered individuals at the expense of relationships. We went from distinct traditional feminine and masculine roles within relationships to personal empowerment and the desire for self-actualization. While it has done wonders to grow assertive and successful individuals, this mindset has been at the expense of relationships.  

In focusing on self, we have not acquired the tools to adapt our communication and behaviour to accommodate both personal empowerment and relationship empowerment. It doesn’t have to be an ‘either/or’ scenario.

In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, author Terry Real suggests that we need a recalibration of the pendulum to allow empowerment of the person while empowering the relationship. The concept of a relationship has changed, yet we are living with the old rules and expectations of the early 20th century.


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Losing Strategies in Relationships
Inspired by Terrance (Terry) Real’s book “The New Rules of Marriage”, we’d like to delve deeper into the subject of relationships. This is Part One in our series of blog posts on this complex topic.

In his book, Terry points out that oftentimes, people utilize “losing strategies” to get their needs met without realizing that their behaviour has the opposite effect.  Not only will these commonly used strategies fail at getting you what you want, they will damage your relationship by attacking the important pillars of a relationship: respect, dignity and compassion. 

Here are some of those losing strategies:

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What is a Mid Life Crisis?

"Mid-life crisis” is a term that was coined in the mid-sixties by a psychoanalyst who observed that personal and professional performance decreases around age thirty-five. Today, due to our increase in longevity, mid-life crisis is most likely to occur around age fifty. It can affect women and men equally.

The struggle for many comes when they realize that the path they had carved for themselves and the life infrastructure which comes with it are no longer fulfilling. A mid-life crisis can come as a result of a sudden life change such as health issues, loss of employment or change in marital status. In these cases, the event becomes the catalyst which leads us to re-evaluate life.  As a result, it is not unusual to see a shift in values and priorities and the creation of a new vision and focus for the future.

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Measuring Your Life Satisfaction
For most people, life satisfaction level depends on doing well in major areas of life, such as relationships, health, work, income, spirituality, and leisure. When a person is doing poorly in one of these areas, it can impact his or her overall life satisfaction level. People who score high on life satisfaction usually report having rewarding work or retirement activities, enjoy their leisure time, have good health, are invested in friendships and meaningful relationships and often have a close romantic partner (although this is not absolutely necessary). They feel that life is meaningful, and have aligned their goals to their values.  People who score high in life satisfaction tend to report aiming at maintaining work/life balance and are usually feeling in control of their life.  In my experience, the clients I coach increase their life satisfaction level as they find strategies to successfully pursue their vision of a good life.

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The Power of Hugs
As social, tactile creatures, human beings thrive on the benefits of touch. A quick hug has a near-immediate impact on health, lowering your heart rate and inducing a calming effect while also leading to a more upbeat mood. So what is the connection between the physical touch of a hug and that lift in spirit?

Neuroeconomist, Dr. Paul Zak, has determined that the human brain naturally produces oxytocin in response to physical touch. Oxytocin is a neuropeptide, a naturally occurring hormone in your body with incredibly powerful, health-giving properties. Often considered a major player in the regulation of trust and morality, its study is revealing fascinating information about human behavior and relationships. Oxytocin is released in the body when we feel safe and connected and tells the brain, “Everything is all right.”

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The Habits of Happiness with Matthieu Ricard
matthieu ricard“All the joy the world contains has come through wishing happiness for others. All the misery the world contains has come from wanting pleasure for oneself.”   
SHANTIDEVA (685-763)

Sometimes referred to as ‘the happiest man in the world’, Matthieu Ricard is a Buddhist monk and French interpreter for the Dalai Lama. Although trained in biochemistry, Matthieu Ricard left science behind and moved to the Himalayas to pursue happiness both at a basic human level and as a subject of inquiry. Achieving happiness, he says, requires the same kind of effort and mind training that any other serious pursuit involves.

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Volunteering Fosters Happiness
Did you know that volunteering is a key component to fostering happiness in people’s lives? If you’ve ever volunteered, you are familiar with that warm feeling you get from having done something in service to another. Doing things for others gives us a sense of purpose and meaningfulness which leaves us buoyed by the experience. When volunteering we develop relationships which enhances our connectedness to our community and world.

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Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
esther perelDrawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Esther Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire in her book ‘Mating in Captivity’. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. 

Many patient conversations start like this: "We love each other very much, but we have no sex." They describe relationships that are open and loving, yet sexually dull. Although they treasure the stability, security and predictability of a committed relationship, they miss the excitement, novelty and mystery that eroticism thrives on. When we love, we worry about our partner and feel responsible. Desire is more wolfish and beast-like.

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Rebuilding After Grief
Grief is a normal reaction to a challenging time in one’s life. While grief is most often associated with bereavement and being the survivor of someone who dies (lost loved one or pet). Grief can also be triggered by a change in life circumstances such as a promotion/job loss, marital status, birth of a child or retirement. 

We often forget that life transitions can be both a source of excitement and of grief.  Individuals will often be surprised by the fact that while they had looked forward to a change in their life, they might not have anticipated the feelings of loss that come with the transition. Even when one plans for a joyful change such as the birth of a child, a wedding or retirement, there can be a grieving period. This grief is connected to the changes in routine, change is role and identity and letting go of a way of being.  There are trade-offs to be made when a change occurs in our life. It may take a period to become comfortable with the new reality.

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Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson
positivityWorld renowned researcher Dr. Barbara Fredrickson shares in her book ‘Positivity’ that experiencing positive emotions broadens people’s minds and builds their resourcefulness in ways that help them become more resilient to adversity and achieve what they once could only imagine.

One of the concepts introduced in the book is the ‘Broaden-and-Build Theory’. This theory explains how increasing positive emotions creates an upward spiral that not only leads to future positive emotions but also leads to more open, creative, and flexible thinking processes, enhanced psychological strengths (like being more resilient, accepting, and more driven by purpose), better social connections, and better physical health.

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Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson / Joseph Grenny / Ron McMillan / Al Switzler

Many ‘defining’ moments in life come from having crucial conversations (as these create significant shifts in attitude and behaviour). There are three factors that tend to define a crucial conversation: 1) opinions differ 2) the stakes are high and 3) emotions are high.  If handled properly they create breakthroughs. If handled poorly they can lead to breakdowns. Quite often the health of a relationship depends on how well these are dealt with. The reality is that many people do not deal with them well – or at all. They live in either a sub-optimal state or hope the situation will resolve itself.

Crucial Conversations’ by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler focuses on techniques on how to hold such conversations in a positive space when surrounded by highly charged emotions. Their findings are based on 25 years of research with 20,000 people.

Their model has essentially 7 steps:

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Resilience and Rebuilding for the Newly Single Person

Learning to live as a single person after many years in a relationship can be a challenge. The discomfort about being single is often based on the fear that one will not be able to cope with life’s challenges without the support of their partner or that one will never be happy again.  To counteract these fears try the following:

1.    Focus on your strengths. Resilience comes from focusing on our inner strength.

 2.    Break down any tasks into a series of manageable steps and focus on tackling one step at a time. Stay focused on the present and trust it will come together.

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Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin

Referred to as “The complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and promoting love and trust within a romantic relationship”, Wired for Love provides the reader with scientific principles that can help to avoid triggering fear and panic in your partner. The book offers valuable insights into the complex dynamics behind love and trust in intimate relationships.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. The PACT Institute was developed for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

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Christmas Triggers Powerful Emotions
christmasDuring the holiday season and Christmas, expectations and emotions tend to run high. Get- togethers with family can provoke powerful emotional triggers due to the history and relationship patterns we have developed with these people.

Emotional triggers are situations and stimuli (people, sounds, smell, touch, images, taste, etc) which stir you up and get you quickly into over-reaction mode or "push your buttons" .   These everyday situations can create emotionally charged responses from within that seem to appear from nowhere.  The sudden rush of feelings—whether it is anger, sadness, or shame seems to overtake you and can leave you feeling emotionally hijacked.

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Why Self-Care is Important to Your Well-Being
If you want to be effective in either your personal or professional life, take a look at how you manage your self- care.

Most of us lead busy lives and experience the pressure of responsibilities encroaching on every hour of our day. As a result, we often adopt the mindset that “with so much to do, something has to go”. For many, it is self-care that loses the battle. 

What is self-care? It is essentially the conscious effort put forth to actively and purposely do something that energizes you. Self-care means you are making yourself a priority and treating yourself like you have value. Attending to your self-care will likely increase your resilience and give you a position of personal power regardless of the challenges you are facing.

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Profile: Terrence Real, Psychotherapist

terry realTerrence (Terry) Real is a psychotherapist specializing in men's issues, particularly depression and relationships.  In 2002, Terry founded the Relational Life Institute (RLI), providing workshops that aim to offer healing and wholeness to men through their own resources, with the support and engagement of the parents and partners in their lives.

 

A family therapist and teacher for more than twenty five years, Terry is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (Scribner, 1997), How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women (Scribner, 2002), and The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work (Random House, 2008).

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Do You Have the University Jitters?
university stressStudents in their first year of post secondary education report experiencing a great deal of stress and a heightened level of anxiety prior to or during their first year of university.  On the stress scale such a period of change in anyone’s life ranks quite high. Stress scales identify items that contribute to stress (e.g. weddings, death, promotion, moving, separation, new job etc.) and it is usually recommended that you don’t take on too many at one time. Oftentimes there is not choice when leaving home and heading out on your own for the first time.

Even young people who were extremely successful and confident in high school can find themselves struggling with their new reality.  It is not unusual for them to state that they feel terrified by the new level of expectation and workload.  

Consider the many changes that occur during this time:

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Tips if You Are Feeling Bored and Unchallenged
When asked about what it is they want, many find themselves with an empty wish list.  There are all sorts of reasons and excuses why individuals stop dreaming and wishing for what they want. Lack of vision, confidence, and negative personal beliefs are some of the challenges which interfere with creating a fulfilling life.

 I often meet individuals who do not have a clear vision for their future. Whether they scaled down their vision and eventually let go of it due to failures and discouragement or they had achieved their goals and did not think of setting new ones, many are left with little direction and fall into an unchallenging routine.

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Why Do Couples Suffer with Disappointment?
couples communicatingWe live in dangerous times when it comes to our relationships because our society is organized around individualism, disconnection, productivity and consumption rather than connection and relatedness.  While we are in search of achievement for ourselves and for our children, we cannot forgo the importance of love and connection in our lives.  

I often meet couples who dream of recapturing the quality of togetherness they experienced while dating. These people yearn to feel close again. Yet when they talk about the lifestyle they have adopted, the way they resolve conflict and the way they support each other during tough times, their actions point to distance and disconnection.  

Couples struggle.  They know that it is difficult to maintain the intensity of their early romantic love.  After many years in a relationship, it rarely feels the same as the first year of a new love.  Yet people keep trying to recapture those intense and pleasurable feelings and become disappointed and disillusioned when they can’t. 

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Changing Perspective
rainbowSpring is one of those seasons that can be cold and wet, leading to dampened spirits that can last all day.

From grey skies, pouring rain, and even the occasional snowfall, it can sometimes be hard to work up the courage to get out of bed in the morning. Finding the energy, especially on dark and dreary days, can be its own daily challenge.

Add commutes in bad conditions and long, dripping lines at the elevator, and suddenly, your energy has disappeared before you've even begun your day.

The question becomes: how can you keep the storm outside the window where it belongs and away from your stamina? 

Like waiting out the storm, waiting for the perfect work circumstances can be draining. While it's impossible to change the weather, you can control what you choose to focus on throughout the day. 

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What if Guilt Was an Option?
guiltGuilt is an emotional warning sign that lets us know when we’ve done something wrong. It prompts us to re-examine our behaviour so that we don’t end up making the same mistake twice. In those cases, guilt is purposeful as it commands that one re-examine their moral compass and re-set their behaviours.  For example, after saying something offensive to a friend, feeling guilty suggests that an apology is required and that modifying future behaviour is in order. 

There are times, however, when behaviour isn’t something that needs re-examining or changing. While guilt may inform us of wrong doing, it can also be the by-product of a distorted belief system. Our belief system is shaped by a variety of factors such as the way we were raised, education, personal experience, religious beliefs, our cultural background etc. Guilt can come from messages, thoughts and stories integrated along the way of life. Once it is assumed that these thoughts and stories are truthful, it is unlikely that they will be challenged.  

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Needs Vs Wants: Distinguishing The Difference
hierarchy of needs

We’ve heard often how important it is to distinguish between our wants and needs. Many people are unaware of their true needs and as a result they find themselves pursuing things that don’t bring them satisfaction.  

Assuming that you have air to breathe, food to eat and a secure roof over your head, now it’s time to attend to your emotional and psychological needs. This concept goes back as far as Maslov’s Pyramid of Needs but we lose track of the importance of meeting our emotional needs and get distracted by our wants.

Needs are intrinsic and wants are extrinsic. Simply put, when comparing Needs to Wants it means the difference between ‘fulfilling’ yourself from the inside out versus ‘filling yourself up’ from the outside in. It’s about being rather than having.

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Looking Back, Reaching Forward
When one looks back over the events of their life, it is most often with one of three mind sets: as victim, as survivor, or as thriver.  

If we view past events as a victim, we give new life to an uncomfortable story every time we think of it. This creates a barrier that prevents us from moving forward. We feel sorry for ourselves and keep the unwanted past event alive.

When we view a past experience as a survivor, we have acknowledged our ability to overcome an adverse situation but we still give life to that story even if our present shows promise of moving forward. Again, we are held back from completely moving forward by the need to give life to the past.

If our perspective is one of a thriver, we accept that negative events are included in our story to date, but rather than focus on them specifically, we view each experience as a life lesson. Our focus becomes more about how we can apply what we’ve learned going forward than about giving life to the story that got us here.

Which one are you?

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How to Create a Safe and Positive set up for Difficult Conversations

individual coachingBelieve it or not, the human brain is wired to fight more than it is to make peace. We are designed to either become defensive or retreat to keep ourselves safe when the conversation gets tough. Using the following tips should help your brain stay calmer and engaged. 

1. Sit facing each other. When we sit side by side, we end up giving each other a lot of darting sideways looks which your brain registers as threats. This could involuntarily escalate the tone of the conversation. Consequently, it is best to avoid discussing big issues in the car or on walks.

2 . Stop trying to reconstruct the event that led to a disagreement. Who did what is not as important as understanding what was the real issue at hand.

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Conflict is Like a Load of Laundry

Just like laundry, conflict involves a multi-step process; handling, sorting, ironing things out, folding, and putting them away.   conflict

1. Sort out the issue: Many clients will state that they never come to any resolutions in their conflicts. As a result, they find themselves revisiting the same difficult conversations or situations repeatedly. When you address a conflict, it is important to clearly state the problem, and your concerns. Stay focused on one issue. Don't try to resolve all your issues at once.

2. Handle with care. Take time to listen to each other's perspective and feelings about the issue. Be kind on your relationship, it is key to creating an effective solution.

3. Once you have washed things up…. Put them away, don’t throw them back in the hamper. In conflict resolution, there is a need to address the issue and let it go. If you keep resurrecting all your old issues, it is either that they were not fully addressed or you are holding a grudge. In those cases, it is helpful to look at your overall attitude toward conflict.

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For confidential discussion, contact Manon Dulude at (905) 873-9393.           
Contact Manon

(905) 873-9393

info@forgecoachingandconsulting.com

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